Recovery On Purpose - Evidence-based therapy for contemporary solutions
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Bloughts

Dawn of Innocence

The place of beginnings is innocence. The traditional way of being is to shift. Such a change may be freely chosen or imposed...it often involves a change in circumstance in one's personal life such as marriage, divorce, illness, or a death of someone close to the individual. The demand for change may come from what Joseph Campbell termed "a call." Could this recovery journey you now find yourself on be the result of a calling...a call to truthfulness, genuineness, and rigorous honesty? You must write this chapter of your story. Let us help you.
 
excerpts from Ginger Grant's Re-visioning The Way We Work

What if he just doesn't get it?

I have been trying so hard to communicate with my spouse but he remains unable to find his feelings. What can I do?
 
A common situation such as this does not have an easy solution. What you are observing guardedly within his recovery is probably the best he can give with his limited vocabulary of his feelings. Remember that he probably has more field time from his family of origin than he does his relationship with you. The best you can do is set the bar high for your expectations of his change. Change is very possible and very real. The most enduring change comes from his consistent, regular, and supported therapeutic work with his therapist. Decide how much you need to be involved and how much you need to step back and trust in the process. His surrender to his powerlessness and unmanageability cannot occur until your own surrender allows you to step out of the way of his needed change. You have my support and that of many trained CSAT specialists who have the interests of a renewed relationship as part of a long-term recovery plan.

Tormented by thoughts

How does one win the battle with obtrusive or obsessive thoughts which are even too difficult to talk about?
 
The solution will not be found in attempting to resist the thoughts. Remember, what we resist...persists. The solution can be found in a complete acceptance of what we are experiencing - just thoughts. Once we accept the reality that we have the capacity for all manner of thoughts including the unspeakable thoughts which have tormented us in this final battle leading up to this breaking point...only then can we move forward. Every thought is permissible but not every thought is beneficial...every thought is permissible but not every thought is constructive.
 
This happens to be a quote from the Bible (1 Cor 10:23) which has great application to the struggle which an individual dealing with compulsive sexual fantasy and behaviour may be dealing with. Our freedom costs us the price of complete acceptance. By naming our thoughts and sharing them with another most trusted individual (therapist, priest, pastor, Imam, Rabbi, or sponsor) - one is accepting ownership for the totality of the thought. Like tieing a horse to a hitching post - confession allows us to fasten our thoughts to a secure position and pursue our journey under our full steam one step at a time - the horse does not cease to exist. No longer are we attached to the horse (the obsessive thoughts), and we can exist separately from our thoughts because the thoughts are now being held captive. 
 
Please let me know if this helps you gain some freedom.
 
 
 

A Challenge to You

I just want to take this time to challenge you to follow-up your expressed interest in taking on your addictive or compulsive behaviour and make that first call to your therapist. Each of us are well-versed in the extreme difficulties in getting started. We wait for you to make that all important first step - we cannot do it for you. An understanding and compassionate heart are awaiting you in the safety of the therapeutic hour. You can be assured of a non-judgemental and listening ear. Your secrets remain your own and will be discussed further with your expressed consent and only at the most appropriate time. 

Momentum and treatment failure

An all too common occurrence with specialized therapy for sexual addictions is the premature disconnection from therapy and the therapist after significant progress is made. I cannot stress enough, the number of clients I have seen over the years who have taken back control of their compulsions or addictions early in their recovery only to find their collateral supports were not yet ready to receive the changes. It is actually unrealistic for the person with addictions to expect that gains made within the first year are enough to sustain a recovery into the second year.This recovery journey is serious stuff that is not achieved with wishful thinking – remember where that wishful thinking got you in the first place. The time for resiliency building is during this phase and the therapeutic relationship remains the evidence-based treatment of choice and success for the vast majority of clients.  
 

Bloughts

I really want my partner to change and don't know how much to get involved. How much should I involve myself in his/her transformation?
 
If you think of the stages of the butterfly, the beautiful butterfly had to get through the stages of pupa and chrysalis before it could be coaxed out of it's cocoon and become one with its environment. To aid a pupa by removing its cocoon prematurely would result in its ultimate death. The pupa must struggle and toil on its own before it has developed the capacity and timing to free itself from the binds of the environment it was a slave to. 
 
Express your expectations to your partner for what you desire in your developed butterfly but, above all else, give your butterfly the space to find itself and experience that freedom lost if we were to have intervened before it found its capacity resulting in its destruction.

Bloughts

Why do I need therapy if I have the 12 Steps?
 
The reality is that you are asking the question because you recognize there is something missing from your recovery. Twelve-step groups do a wonderful job in accommodating the addiction story and facilitating the recovery story. Therapy serves as the bridge between the two and provides the venue to initiate the grievance story. The grievance story is an opportunity to take stock and inventory those things which you have lost in the fires of your addiction. Without taking stock and initiating this inventory, the recovery is really stalled at an intellectual exercise in understanding transformation from a cognitive perspective.
 
I believe that a recovery transformation, though conceptualized in the framework of the 12 Steps, requires that full connection with one's emotions in a safe and therapeutic environment found best in therapy.

Connections

Just wish to express my appreciation for the individuals who display great courage in attending intensive therapy. I am truly blessed through this privilege of meeting and connecting with each one of you. May you continue to invest in a life well lived, and abundant life with blessings overflowing, a purpose driven life with intention. The cure is not in destroying the dragon but in fashioning individual ways to harness the beast and using your addiction story to soar above your present circumstances on the back of the dragon. I will continue to equip you for this task.  

Bloghts "Blog thoughts"

I frequently confront the question "how is resolution brought to an irreparable relationship?" A great reality is that a relationship in conflict is more the norm than the exception. The fact that a son has a fractured relationship with a father or the father recognizes enmity between his self and his son is inevitable. Much the same dynamics exist between daughter and mother and with in laws. So what do we do with this reality? If the enmity is accepted as a reality, then we can embrace the relationship, which falls short not of our own doing, and truly nurture every opportunity presented with the relationship as it is. Forgiveness becomes acceptance as a just reward.  
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